Descent

It's unlikely that there ever will be real health again.  I keep trying, but I fail more spectacularly than I succeed.

I'm working on it, but I'm suspecting that I have severe heart/circulatory problems which could simply end things at any time.

I have no faith whatsoever in any doctor.  I *am* considering a heart specialist, but historically they just assure me that I'm fine.  I have learned that they only look for what they will get paid the most for.

The yeast continues.  I fight it regularly, with FiveLac, Candex, and other pro-biotics.  But you can't defeat it and continue to eat sweets; and I just can't make progress there.

I've lost almost 10 pounds this year.  Too bad it doesn't come with any kind of feeling better.

I had a major pH battle a few months ago.  Again the doctor simply dismissed it.  Even though the urinalysis plainly labelled it at 5.  She didn't even really know what it was.

I'm again trying real exercise, using a CD I invested in.  But I have lost strength since November, especially in my arms.

New Focus?

So here I am again.  Getting nowhere; gradually losing ground.

I want to be healthy.  I want to have strength, endurance, and ambition.  I want to be able to work and think like I used to.  And I know it all comes down to the chocolate.

Not that there is anything wrong with chocolate, by itself and in moderation.  But it comes with sugar, and an addiction.

Sign I frequently have on my refrigerator:

Eating chocolate makes you want to do nothing but eat chocolate.

That's where I was a month ago.  I didn't want to eat anything but chocolate, and I didn't want to *do* anything else.

I *have* found a way to pull myself out.  It's based on the fact that getting sick will turn things around:

Lie down and do nothing.

It goes like this:

1. I'm feeling pretty good, and I start doing things.
2. I get too many things I have to do, and start feeling pressured.
3. I stay up later, in order to read, watch TV, or play games.
4. I can't keep up with everything, so I try to stimulate myself with caffeine, chocolate, or 5Hour.
5. I can't get enough sleep.  Between getting up at 7:00 and getting to sleep after midnight, I can't catch up.
6. I have to keep pushing, so I use more caffeine, chocolate, or 5Hour.
7. And more chocolate.
8. And not enough sleep, and got to keep going ...
9. And more chocolate.

If I can find a day in which I don't have any emergency obligations, I can lie down on my bed, get caught up on sleep, rest, and detachment, maybe watch TV and read a book.  Then I don't feel the need to push, and the kitchen is a long ways away.